Some days are better than others

Fortunately, today is a pretty good day. I only had about one 30 minute stint of nausea, the sun is shining and the snow is melting. It is all (relatively) good!

It has been an interesting ride over the last two months, but if one can be thankful for a chronic illness, I guess I am. Or at least might as well be since diabetes doesn't much care if I am thankful or not. I am still on the same meds and still seem to have some side effects from them, but I am feeling MUCH better overall. Good blood sugar control, very little reflux, occasional nausea and a 23 pound weight loss. My heart and eyes have checked out OK. I am exercising 5-6 days a week (something I still abhor, by the way). My pants fit, I can still eat some tasty foods and my love of gadgets has found a match in the variety of glucose meters I have collected.

Having diabetes sucks. It really, really does. But it has forced me to live differently and take responsibility for my health. It's just too damn bad I couldn't do that BEFORE and possibly prevent the disease all together. Water under the bridge, I guess.

Well, hell.

I actually have stronger words to use than "hell", but I feel crappy enough right now that it doesn't much seem to matter. The long and the short of it is that I have finally had my wake up call. Or as I like to refer to it, "The swift kick is the ass followed by repeated kicking while I am down".

I was officially diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes last week. November 30th to be exact. I knew it was coming from the blood work I had done at my OB/GYNs office a couple of weeks before, but now it is official. The irony is that I should have been running the half marathon last weekend. If I had actually followed through with that training, it might have prevented all of this. Instead, I started new medication, feel like shit and am hoping my body will hold out long enough for me to turn this health crisis around.

Because Type 2 diabetes just isn't enough. No...I have to do things the right way. Go big or go home and all that. So I get to add on a fatty liver (with elevated liver enzymes), high cholesterol, high triglycerides and, the current most fun one, high blood pressure. The blood pressure that was normal in the doctor's office three weeks ago is now high enough to require meds. That make me feel like absolute dog shit, by the way. Add obesity and you have a trifecta. Or a quintafecta. Whatever. Fun times.

Even more exciting, I got to tell my mother in person this weekend when I was home (for the half marathon that my friend actually did follow through with and run). It went how I thought it would - she cried and worried and told everyone at work. Which made me feel fantastic. I certainly wanted to be trying to make her feel better about it all while I am scared to death and trying to hold it together myself.

On the bright side, I think I got the message. I would really like to stick around for a while and see my kids get older and spend some time with my husband. I know there are plenty of people who have the whole host of problems that I have plus some, but this has kind of felt like a death sentence. I finally realize that this might not end well if I don't get my shit together. Scary stuff.

So in the meantime, I try to deal with the bad medication side effects, watch what I eat to control my blood sugar and weight, exercise a little when the meds allow, ignore the constant chest pain (which is likely reflux that I probably need to go have officially diagnosed) and try not to freak out about my mortality.

Some days are better than others. I am looking forward to getting through this storm and coming out on the other side (relatively) unscathed. I am hopeful that it will happen.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig

Ah. Back to the beginning. Here I am again. Months later. 225 pounds. Snacking at night. Not exercising. Embarrassed to go out in clothes, much less a bathing suit. Hoping for a miracle. Waiting for the "aha" moment. Squandering the time I have on this planet to enjoy my life. There has to be a better way. I am looking...I have to find it.

Back on the path

I have been absent from this blog for quite a while. I haven't had much to write on my "real" blog either, though, so it isn't just fatness that has me down evidently.

Actually, I haven't been "down" per se. Just busy and tired and wishing there were 10 of me or 30 hours in a day or just less to get done. And less of my fat ass hanging around with me while I do it all.

I did get in one day of deliberate exercise last week. Not much in the real world, but better than nothing. and considering I had an excellent week on the eating front, I don't feel too bad about it. I mean, subsisting on celery and fruit and egg whites should peel off the pounds even if I don't get tons of exercising in, right?

I did find that after a few days of truly controlled eating I wasn't terribly hungry and I didn't crave any of my normal junk food. I think there is more relation to the "if you torture someone long enough they just give up" as opposed to the "the body will only crave healthy and natural foods in small amounts once you cleanse it of toxins" principle in the reaction my body had, but I am OK with that if it works!

I will weigh in tomorrow. I am probably at just about the same weight I was when I posted last. And I'll tell you something...I am just THRILLED about putting my bathing suit on in a couple of months. I mean, what is more attractive than a 200+ pound woman stuffed into a stretchy black and white sausage casing? Feast your eyes on that, people!

Dammit

I had a total snacking relapse last evening. Somehow my brain checked out, my survival instincts (i.e. eat everything in sight in case someone comes in and removes every scrap of food from the house while I am sleeping) kicked in and I ate. A lot. 3 Slim Jims, some salt and vinegar almonds, some vanilla creme brulee quakes and 2 bagel thins (quite yummy and low in calories compared to a regular bagel) with cream cheese. And two monster cookie dough chunks from the freezer. This was all after the ever so sensible (Ha!) meal of a side salad, 1/2 of a bacon cheddar cheeseburger and 1/2 order of fries lunch I had. I am trying to remind myself that every day is a fresh start, but I tend to get into a downward spiral when I slip up a little. So far, so good today, though. maybe there is hope.

The bright side is that I am down to 220.5 pounds - 2.5 pounds down from last week.. I have decided to weigh in on Tuesday since Biggest Loser comes on Tuesday evenings. I figure it can be a theme for the day...trying to shrink big asses into smaller ones.

Long time

I have taken a hiatus, but am back in the saddle. Back on the wagon. Hungry.

I gave up late night snacking for Lent. Not that I have really strong feelings about giving things up for Lent, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Six days later, it doesn't seem like such a good idea. It makes me cranky to not shovel in 10,000 or so calories between 9 pm and midnight. I am hoping it will make a difference on the scale, however. Tomorrow is weigh in day. We'll see how it goes...

Sanity returns

I think I am back in a more balanced state of mind. I must say that the emotional purge did seem to do me some good. I shed lots of tears, had a good friend verbally pick me up and dust me off (thanks Debi!) and I seem to be better for it. Somehow stepping away from the pantry late last night was a little easier than it has been before and picking out clothes to wear was a little less anxiety inducing. I think it was good for me to admit out loud that I am full of faults and flaws and insecurities that do affect the way I function in my daily life. I had to be very emotionally self-reliant as a kid and in a lot of ways it made me a much stronger adult and gave me courage to do things I may not have been able to do otherwise. But it left me at a disadvantage in other ways, and that is OK. I will work through it. And I am looking forward to seeing what life looks like on the other side.